


just wanna say how i love you with your hair down

by SmileHoney



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Azula is out of character but that's completely okay, Canonical Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), Minor Mai/Ty Lee (Avatar), Minor Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Past Child Abuse, Rated for swearing, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, They are like so background it's crazy, this takes place in Tokyo btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27886645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmileHoney/pseuds/SmileHoney
Summary: Her father taught her over and over again what came out of vulnerability; he always said that if you were open about your feelings, then people would hurt you.Well, her father never met Jin.or,Azula wants to tell Jin she loves her, but she struggles to. Luckily, Jin has a solution.
Relationships: Azula/Jin (Avatar), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 58





	just wanna say how i love you with your hair down

**Author's Note:**

> I busted this out in one sitting last night after I couldn't stop thinking about [this post](https://memeuplift.tumblr.com/post/188243519522), and then I edited it today and ended up with 6K of Azula struggling with loving people.
> 
> I know she's very out of character here, but guess what? That's okay. I love her in this fic, and I hope I did her justice!
> 
> Title comes from Sofia by Clairo

Azula had been raised to believe that vulnerability was weakness. Her father taught her over and over again what came out of vulnerability; he always said that if you were open about your feelings, then people could hurt you. If you let them in, they could more easily betray you. If they saw your weak spots, they could use them against you. Love only brought pain, no matter what type, and it was better not to love at all.

Despite his warnings, she found herself loving people intensely and with her whole heart, again and again. And throughout her life, again and again, her father was proven right- the people she loved  _ did  _ hurt her.

She’d loved her mother- even though they weren’t as close as Zuko and Ursa, they had their own special moments. She walked them to and from school every day, and while Zuko had walked up ahead on his own, she held Azula’s hand tightly in her own. As they walked, she would point out pretty birds and butterflies, skip with her if she asked, ask her about what she learned that day… She was a strong presence at her side and holding her hand always made Azula feel safe and happy. They would go to the park on the weekends and her mother would push her on the swings until she was as high in the air as she could get and felt as if she was flying. After, they’d get mochi and sit by the koi pond to watch the fish swimming around. Before bedtime, she’d brush out her long hair for her, her hands soft and gentle, and then she’d tuck Azula in and sing her to sleep. 

They didn’t always get along and they argued a lot, it was true, but she loved her mother. In the end, though, that love wasn’t enough- eventually, her mother left. Azula wasn’t naive; she knew her parents didn’t love each other and that she was running from Ozai for her own safety. But she still left, and she was still hurt by it. Azula had loved her, and yet she slipped away in the middle of the night to start a new life with a new husband and a new daughter. She had loved her fiercely, and yet her mother hadn’t stopped to say goodbye or even tell them she was leaving. She’d just woken up one day, and her mother was gone. She’d cried for hours, and it was the first time she understood why her father said love only brought pain.

She’d loved Zuko, too. He was her big brother, after all, and he was always there to kiss her scraped knees or to play tag in the park. He was at every piano recital, every karate competition, every science fair presentation… He was always there to cheer her on and congratulate her after. When Ursa left, he was the one who walked her to school and was there to brush her hair out before bed. He was her best friend and she loved him more than she could say. 

But eventually, he’d left her too. When he was thirteen, he said something to their father, and after that, he was gone. She hadn’t known at the time what it was he told him, but she’d heard him scream from downstairs and the next thing she knew, Uncle Iroh was taking him away from their house. The next time she saw him, he had an angry red scar around his eye. When she tried to talk to him, he turned away and didn’t speak to her again for several years. She’d loved him with the unyielding love of a younger sister, but in the end, her brother shoved her aside and tore her heart to shreds. 

She’d also loved Mai and Ty Lee. They had been her best friends since they were toddlers, and they went through everything together. They were always there for each other, telling each other their darkest secrets, their most amazing fantasies, their craziest dream… Everything and anything there was to tell, really. They were there for her when her mother left and again when Zuko left. They were there when her grandfather died and they were there when her father became more and more cruel as she got older, and she was there for them in return. She lent an ear when Mai needed to let her shell break and get all her feelings out, getting off her chest what she couldn’t at home. She was at Ty Lee’s gymnastics competitions and she was there to give her a tight hug when she felt she couldn’t compare to her sisters. They were each other’s support system and she couldn’t imagine a world where she didn’t love them.

But like everyone else, they left too. Eventually, when she became cold and twisted under Ozai’s influence, they looked at her with sad eyes and said they didn’t know who she was anymore, that the person she’d become wasn’t someone they could be friends with. It had been a dark place in her life as she struggled with trying to please her father’s more outrageous expectations everyday, and she knew their words were true. But it didn’t change the fact that in her time of need, they left her alone, just like her mother and Zuko. Her heart broke into pieces and she began to break down, bit by bit. She was plagued by sadness and mistrust, constantly on edge, and eventually, she didn’t recognize herself in the mirror anymore either.

She’d loved her father, too. He doted upon her, yes, but it was more than that. When they went to the coast to visit their beach house in Okinawa, he’d play with her in the ocean for hours. He’d adjust his busy work schedule to be at all of her recitals, competitions, and presentations, and she could always look into the crowd to find him watching her with a proud glimmer in his eye and a smile on his face. Oshogatsu had always been her favorite time to spend with him, though, because he would take even more time off from his work to spend the holiday with his family. On Omisoka they’d sit next to each other, talking and laughing as they ate toshikoshi soba. When they watched the sunrise and greeted Toshigami the morning after, he would lift her onto his shoulders so she could see over the crowd that gathered on the observation deck of the Tokyo Skytree. After, he’d help her fly takoage and they’d play karuta until the sunset. She had loved him fiercely, too, and had always looked forward to the times where they spent together.

Eventually, though, something in him shifted and the father she loved was replaced by a cruel and bitter man. He became obsessed with his work and stopped making time for her. His pride turned into harsh expectations of perfection, and her failure to meet them ended in loud arguments and slamming doors. Their interactions turned from a loving father and his sweet daughter to the cruel businessman and his protege he was grooming to take over for him one day. He pushed her until she was just like him; cruel, angry, and manipulative, twisted by the pain in her heart at having lost the love of the five people she’d cared the most about. 

One day, he found out about her attraction to women and he flew into a rage unlike anything she’d ever seen- he’d begun yelling about how she was just like Zuko. He’d called her a disappointment and a disgrace, and had proclaimed her to be condemned for her perversion. When she began crying and begging for his forgiveness, he’d only struck her across the face and kicked her out of the house. She’d loved her father dearly, but he ended up hurting her so badly that her mind, already fragile from Mai and Ty Lee abandoning her, snapped.

In the end, Zuko and Uncle Iroh were the ones to come to her aid. They took her in and slowly, with lots of therapy and long, hard conversations, her mind began to heal.

Zuko explained to her that he hadn’t wanted to leave, but that the same thing had happened to him. Ozai had found out he was gay and had slapped him too, but he had done it so hard that Zuko stumbled and fell, crashed his head onto the edge of the fireplace, and landed with the left side of his face in the flames, unconscious. When Iroh had found out, he’d taken Zuko away from that house as fast as he could. He apologized to her, tears in his eyes, and told her he’d wanted her to come with, but Ozai wouldn’t let her leave with them. When she looked at his face, she saw the anguish in his eyes, the gasping breaths he was taking, his shaking hands, and his tear streaked cheeks, and she knew he was telling the truth. She hugged her brother tight, but she still didn’t have it in her to let herself love him the way she once did.

Uncle Iroh helped her with her anger and her coldness and slowly she began to warm to people again, enough that she was able to rekindle a tentative friendship with Mai and Ty Lee. She told herself she’d never let anyone close enough to love again, though, because she had learned her lesson- love only brought her pain.

But, just like when she was a child, she was quick to love, and she found herself recognizing that she loved them. She never told them, though, because that fear that she’d be hurt again was always there. It lingered in the back of her mind, persistent even as she watched movies with Zuko, Sokka, and Iroh, or as she laughed with Mai and Ty Lee as they drove around Tokyo, no destination in mind. 

And then she met Jin.

-

She met Jin in an advanced microbiology class her senior year of university- Azula was taking it for her major in biochemistry, Jin for her own major in environmental biology. They sat next to each other the first day of class and while Azula had every intention of ignoring her, Jin had leaned over and said with a brilliant smile, “Hi! It’s nice to meet you! I’m Jin.” 

Azula had tentatively returned her greeting, and then the other girl had launched into a passionate rant about how excited she was for the class. They ended up forming a study group together and they often found themselves in the library late into the night, pouring over textbooks and notes or quizzing each other on topics in the class. When the semester reached an end, she’d found herself surprisingly saddened at the thought that she wouldn’t get to see Jin again.

As if reading her mind, Jin said softly, “If you’d like to, I’d really like to stay friends, Azula.”

With a wide grin, she agreed. “Yeah, me too. I’d really like that, Jin.”

That winter when their leases ended, they moved into a small two bedroom apartment on the edge of campus together and quickly became best friends.

\- 

What she never expected, though, was that she would develop feelings for Jin. Or, rather, for her feelings for Jin to sneak up on her.

She honestly hadn’t realized they were even there until a Friday night over a year after they moved in together. Mai and Ty Lee, who had begun dating a few years back, were over for their weekly girls night where they piled onto their small couch to watch movies, drink sake and rice wine, and gossip. Sometimes Zuko and Sokka joined them as honorary Girl's Night guests, but this time it was just the four girls.

It was late and they had turned the TV away from movies in favor of playing Super Smash Bros on Azula’s Switch. Whenever they played it quickly got intense as a result of Mai and Azula’s competitiveness, Ty Lee’s enthusiasm, and Jin’s constant commentary about what was happening on screen, and this round was no exception. They were all on their mains, with Ty Lee playing Peach, Mai as Bayonetta, Jin as Isabelle, and Azula as Kirby, and they were all down to one life. The volume in the apartment was getting louder and louder as they all frantically button smashed in their attempt to win, shouting over each other in victory and disappointment.

“Alright ladies, it’s life or death now with everyone down to one life,” Jin announced, leaning forwards, her thumbs flying across her remote. “In one corner, we have Bayonetta with just 26% damage, the lowest out of anyone, and- Holy shit, there she goes, knocking Peach clean off the stage! This is unbelievable, I did  _ not _ see that one coming! By all accounts that attack shouldn’t have killed her, but-”

“ _ Player Four, defeated _ !” the game announced, and Azula cackled.

“Mai,” Ty Lee whined, setting her controller down petulantly. “That was so mean, I can’t believe you did that!”

“Sorry, babe. I can’t help it that I’m amazing at this game, nor that you just so happened to be standing right where my big ass foot came down.”

“Oh, you’re amazing at this game, huh?” Azula asked with a smirk as she jumped into the air above Mai, then pressed her down B firmly. Mai tried to run out of the way, but Kirby, now a bright pink stone, came crashing down on her and squished her flat. It didn’t kill her since she had such low damage, but it racked it up enough that Mai cursed violently.

Jin was cracking up next to her and, as Mai was still recovering, ran up to her and used Isabelle’s fishing pole to send her slamming into the ground again, giving her even more damage. Now, at 70% damage, her and Jin were tied while Azula had 115% from everyone ganging up on her at the beginning of the game.

“And just like that, in a one-two attack, Bayonetta and Isabelle are tied to be the fighter with the least amount of damage. And- oh shit, oh shit- here comes Kirby, chasing after Isabelle with his flaming hammer at the ready-”

She fell silent as Azula chased her around the stage furiously, each sending flurry after flurry of attacks the other’s way. Finally, though, she trapped Jin at the edge of the stage and readied her flaming hammer once again. With a victorious laugh, she let it fly and a split second later, the announcement “ _ Player Two, defeated _ !” filled the room.

“Oh, I hate you Azula,” she said, though she was laughing fondly as she set her remote down, too. 

“You and I both know that’s not true.”

Jin laughed and knocked her shoulder with her own, lightly enough to not mess up her concentration as she chased Mai around the stage, then went back to commentating what was happening on screen. 

“Alright, everyone, here we are, two more contestants. Who will the winner be? Will Kirby win his fourth round of the night, or will Bayonetta manage to snag another point for herself, bringing her up to five rounds to her name? Time will only tell. Oh, and here Bayonetta goes, using her Witch Twist to try and catch Kirby in the air and- Kirby is too fast! Those infinite jumps coming in handy to let him make a quick escape! We’re back on the ground now, Bayonetta doing her best to squish Kirby under Madama Butterfly’s arms and feet, but he is just too fast! I guess Kirby was hungry because he just ate Bayonetta-”

They all burst out laughing, though Azula kept her gaze focused on the screen, fingers flying as she tried to defeat Mai. There was no reasoning behind any of the combos she tried using, she was just desperate to get one solid hit that would end the game. Mai was good, though, and it was hard to avoid her attacks while also trying to land her own.

When Jin caught her breath, she resumed commentating. “And we’re back folks, in the air this time! Here Kirby goes, trying to do an aerial spin into Bayonetta… And he hits! There goes Bayonetta, flying across the stage! Will she recover? Yes, there she is, climbing up from the edge and- Oh, this has to be it! Kirby, using down B again to squish Bayonetta and… Yes!”

“Game!” The TV cried out, and Azula jumped up in victory, laughing as Mai groaned and slumped back into the couch. She gave Jin a firm high five before turning to Mai cockily.

“Again? Really, Azula?”

“What? Mai, you’ve won just as many as I have!”

“It’s okay, babe, I thought you did really well!”

Mai turned to Ty Lee with a sappy smile and asked cheekily, “Does this mean you forgive me for killing you?”

Ty Lee faked contemplation and leaned in close to Mai. “Hmmm, seeing you lose did give me a little more sympathy for you…”

Mai rolled her eyes, but met Ty Lee’s kiss happily. It wasn’t an unusual sight but Azula found, strangely, that the sight of her two friends kissing made her… jealous? But that didn’t make sense, because she didn’t like Mai  _ or  _ Ty Lee. They were her best friends, but she’d never think of them that way, unlike Jin who she’d definitely-

She inhaled so sharply that she choked on her own spit and began coughing violently enough that Mai and Ty Lee broke apart to look at her in concern. She ignored their worried gazes, though, because she only had eyes for Jin.

Jin, her best friend, who was looking at her with wide, beautiful brown eyes and a worried look on her face which, now that she thought about it, really had no business being that perfect. Her hair, which was usually braided back or tied up into a bun, fell in waves down her back and her bangs framed her face perfectly, highlighting the soft curves of her cheekbones, chin, and the arch of her brow. Her lips were parted slightly, and Azula realized, suddenly, that she wanted nothing more than to kiss her the same way Mai had just kissed Ty Lee. 

“Azula, are you okay?” Jin asked, though it sounded hazy due to the fog filling her brain. 

When she was able to yank herself away from her thoughts she was surprised to see Jin right in front of her instead of on the couch, where she had been just seconds before. She opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Jin placed a soft hand on her arm and it suddenly felt like lightning was coursing through her veins. 

She jumped and pulled away, wincing at Jin’s dejected frown, but stuttered, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. I’m sorry, I just realized how late it is. I guess I’m just tired. I think I’m going to go to bed, but you guys keep playing. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Jin was clearly still worried, but nodded and gave her a gentle smile that made Azula’s knees a little weak. “Alright. Goodnight, Azula.”

“Night Azula!” Ty Lee blew a kiss her way, and Azula smiled slightly. When her eyes drift to Mai, though, it faltered ever so slightly because there was a knowing smirk on her face. She flushed and rushed away from the living room to shut herself in her room, locking the door behind her. 

She leaned against the door and let her head fall back against it, mind racing as she tried to comprehend what was happening. Her arm still tingled from Jin’s touch and she couldn’t get the image of Jin’s soft smile out of head or the sound of her joyous laugh out of her ears. She realized her pulse was racing and her cheeks were flushed as she thought of her, and groaned. She didn’t understand how this had happened- they were just friends, and she’d never thought of her this way. Had she? She ran through every memory she had of Jin desperately, trying to find if there had been signs of her feelings there all along that she hadn’t realized. 

There was the time they went to the park and sat next to each other, watching the koi swimming in the pond the same way she had with her mother. Now that she thought of it, she remembered she had scooted closer and closer to Jin until they were pressed closer together than they needed to be and how much she had loved the pressure of Jin’s arm and leg against her own.

There was the time they went to get mochi and Jin had gotten some smeared on her cheek. Azula, without thinking, had reached out to wipe it away for her, and now that she was remembering, her thumb had definitely lingered on her cheek longer than necessary.

Perhaps most obviously, there was the time Jin had painted her nails for her- she’d been deep in concentration, leaned over Azula’s hand with her tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth as she tried not to mess up, and Azula had thought she was the prettiest person she’d ever seen.

She sighed, realizing that all along, for months now, she’d been developing feelings for Jin.

She had just been too oblivious to realize it. 

She fumbled for her phone, knowing there was only one person she could talk to about this.

Zuko answered her facetime almost immediately, worried face filling the screen, and she relaxed slightly at the sight of him. Though that was promptly ruined when he shouted, “Azula? What’s wrong?”

“Hi Zuzu, nice to see you too!” She mocked. 

He chuckled embarrassedly as he realized nothing was wrong. “Hi, Azula. I’m sorry I didn’t greet you, you just don’t usually call this late unless something’s wrong, so I was worried.”

She shrugged. “I mean, I wouldn’t say nothing’s wrong…”

“What is it?”

She opened her mouth, but paused, suddenly scared and unable to stop the thought that if she admitted this to him, then that would… That would make her feelings real, and she would be setting herself up to be hurt again.

“Hey, Azula, it’s okay. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?” His voice cut through her thoughts, and she tried to shake it off.

“I know. It’s just… Hold on.” She walked away from the door and into her bathroom. She shut that door as well, and slid her back down it so that she was sitting on the floor. “I realized something, a few minutes ago and I just need to tell someone. I think…” She took a deep breath, then blurted out the words. “I think I like Jin! As in romantically. I’m attracted to her.”

He blinked and was silent for a long moment, then burst out laughing. “Sokka!”

There was a faint “What?” from somewhere off camera, and she recognized it as her brother’s boyfriend. 

“Zuko, what are you doing?” She asked, leaning forwards as her heart began to race again. “Zuko, stop it!”

“Come here!”

There was shuffling, and then Sokka’s face appeared next to Zuko’s. He smiled when he saw her and waved. “Hey, Azula! What’s up?”

“Azula has a-”

“Zuko, if you tell him, I swear I will drive over there and murder you,” she threatened, cheeks on fire, trying desperately to stop him. It took a lot for her to tell him, and she wasn’t quite ready for him to know. Luckily, though, Zuko seemed to take pity on her, even if he didn’t completely listen to her.

“Fine. Azula has a crush.”

Sokka raised an eyebrow, leaning forward slightly. “Oh really? I bet I can guess who.”

Zuko had a mischievous smile, but she ignored it. “I highly doubt tha-”

“Jin. It’s Jin.”

Her jaw, against her better judgement, dropped. “What?”

“Yes! I knew it! Finally!” he cried, pumping his fist.

“Wha- How did you know that? What do you mean, finally?” she floundered, floored by the fact that Sokka guessed it immediately.

He laughed, and looked at Zuko with a happy grin. “Oh, come on Azula. I know I was oblivious when it came to your brother, but when it comes to other people, I’m always right. Even if I  _ wasn’t _ good at knowing things like this,” he continued before she could speak, “anyone who spends even a minute with you two knows. It isn’t exactly subtle, how you feel for each other. We’ve been waiting for you to realize for months- Jin, too.”

Her jaw shut with a loud click. She didn’t… She knew what Sokka was saying, but it somehow wasn’t processing. Because the way he said it made it seem as though… As though Jin liked her too. She thought about Jin’s concern, her soft smiles, and how sometimes she’d look at her best friend only to find her already looking, and realized Sokka was probably right. “I didn’t realize she…”

“Do you think you’re going to tell her?” her brother asked after a long moment.

She shrugged, looking away from his inquiring gaze. “I don’t know. It’s… It’s a lot, and I’m kind of… scared?”

She could hear his sad smile as he said, “I know, Azula. But I want you to know… It’s okay to be vulnerable, remember? It’s okay to tell her how you feel. If you want to, of course. If not, if you want to wait. That’s okay too. It’s your choice.”

She did know, but that residual fear was still there- she was sure it always would be. But she was reminded, suddenly, of the fact that Jin had just seen her shut down and confused and vulnerable a few minutes ago and she hadn’t laughed or tried to hurt her. She had checked on her, had been gentle with her, had wanted to help her.

She always had, ever since they became friends.

“Yeah.” Her voice cracked when she spoke, and she cleared her throat. “Yeah, I do. Thanks, Zuko. For picking up and helping.”

“Of course. You’re my baby sister. I’m always here for you.”

“Me too!” Sokka said, poking his head back into frame. “I’m here too!”

She burst out laughing and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we know Sokka. It’s impossible to forget you’re there, since you’re always hanging off my brother.”

“Oh, you mean like this?” He moved quickly, and suddenly she was looking up at the ceiling and there was a grunt of pain that she recognized as coming from Zuko. When he fixed his phone so that she could see them again, Sokka was sprawled across her brother, head falling over his shoulder. He twisted his face and placed a loud kiss to his cheek, and she grimaced.

“Oh, disgusting! Sokka, that’s my brother! I don’t want to see that shit!”

He cracked up, and Zuko just shook his head fondly. “Alright, I’m going to hang up so that I can get this leech off of me. Let me know what you decide to do, okay? Whatever you end up doing, I support you.”

She smiled- she had doubted it once upon a time, but now, nearly six years later, she knew he meant what he said. “Yeah, I will. Thanks, Zuzu.”

“Love you!” 

With that he hung up, and Azula was left to figure out what to do.

-

In the end, she ended up waiting almost a week just to see if her feelings went away. She wasn’t surprised when they didn’t. If anything, they got stronger- every time they were together, she was constantly aware of where she was, what she was doing, how beautiful she looked… She was tense and jumpy, and she knew she needed to tell her that she liked her. 

As they cleaned the dishes after dinner on Friday night, Jin washing and Azula drying, she said tentatively, “So, I’m sorry I went to bed early on Saturday. I feel bad for crashing Girl’s Night.”

“That’s okay, Azula! I was just worried for a second. You looked pale as a ghost, as if you had a fever or something.”

“No, no, I felt fine. I just… Um, I realized something.” Jin handed her another plate, but instead of drying it, she set it down and reached out to turn off the water.

“Azula?”

She took a deep breath and said shakily, “I um… Well, I realized, when Mai and Ty Lee kissed each other that I was… I realized that I was jealous. I wanted that- to be able to tease my best friend about the game, then to lean over and kiss her.”

“You’re jealous of Mai?”

She laughed slightly and looked away from Jin, her soft brown eyes too much to look at as she confessed, “No, not of Mai. Of her and Ty Lee. Their relationship. I want something like that for myself, with my best friend.”

Jin’s brows were furrowed in confusion as she said, “But your best friend is-”

“You. You’re my best friend, Jin,” she said with a sudden rush of confidence. “I didn’t realize until Saturday night that I felt that way, but… It is. I really like you, Jin, and I have for a long time, I was just too oblivious to see it. So, if you’d let me, I’d like to take you on a date. Hopefully several, really, but we can start with one and go from there.”

Jin’s face was slack with joy, and she burst out laughing as she threw her arms around Azula’s neck. She sent soap and water flying all over their kitchen, but it didn’t really matter because she was chanting, “Yes! Yes, of course I want to go on a date with you, Azula! Of course!”

Azula laughed too as relief flooded her veins, and she hugged her back tightly.

-

Dating Jin was… Well, it was perfect. Nothing really changed between them, except that now they held hands when they went out, they cuddled when they watched movies, and they were free to press a kiss to the other’s lips or cheeks or forehead whenever they wanted. Eventually, too, they began sleeping in Azula’s bed together and there were even more good things, like lazy morning kisses and whispered conversations in the dark, wrapped up in each other. 

Their friends were overjoyed to hear that they had begun dating and apparently, the entire group owed Toph a large sum of money from the betting pool they’d had about when it would happen (Azula had been shocked to learn Jin had nearly won, and had kissed her smug laughter right off her lips). 

The one thing that she was struggling with was that now, after more than six months together, Jin had started saying she loved her. 

It wasn’t the fact that Jin loved her that she struggled with- not at all. In fact, everytime Jin said those three words, it made her heart fill with joy and she felt like she could do anything. It sent her heart into a free for all that reminded her of when she was a kid, soaring through the sky on a swing. It made her pulse race, her cheeks flush, her lips widen into an uncontrollable grin... So no, that wasn’t the struggle.

The struggle was that she knew she loved Jin just as much. 

That realization hadn’t scared her as much as she’d thought it would. In fact, she was pretty comfortable with her feelings, and had even told her therapist how she felt (or at least, the general gist of it). And yet every time she tried to get it out and return Jin’s affections, it was as if the words got caught in her throat. She couldn’t help but be disappointed and frustrated with herself, because she wanted to tell her- she really, really did, but she just… Couldn’t.

It was eating her up inside, and eventually, she broke down.

They were curled up on the couch together, watching some cooking show on Netflix and yelling at the contestants about what stupid things they were doing.

When the episode ended, Azula’s stomach grumbled and she asked, “Hey, do you want some popcorn?”

Jin nodded enthusiastically and went to get up. “Yeah! I can go make it.”

She stopped her by grabbing her wrist gently and said softly, “No, stay here and start the episode. I’ve got it.”

Her girlfriend smiled sweetly and settled back into the couch while Azula went to make the popcorn. She separated it out into two bowls, leaving hers with just the butter and salt, while she drizzled caramel over Jin’s- just the way she liked it- and walked back to the couch. 

“Here you go, babe,” she said, dropping a kiss on top of her head as she handed her the bowl

She beamed when she saw the caramel and leaned over to kiss her firmly. “You remembered the caramel! I love you so much, Azula, you’re the best.”

She looked over at her, sitting on the couch with her caramel popcorn and a happy smile on her face, and she wanted to say it. She wanted to tell her how she felt, how much she loved her when her hair was down, when she smiled like that, when she pulled her close and held her tightly as they watched TV. She wanted to tell her so badly that her eyes stung with tears, and she opened her mouth to say it, but the only sound that came out was a choked gasp. 

She turned away, hoping Jin wouldn’t notice, but it was useless- her girlfriend always knew when she was hurting, and this time was no exception. She heard the sound on the TV stop and then her gentle hand was on her back, rubbing soothing circles across it.

“Hey, babe, what’s wrong? What happened?”

She tried to answer, but the tears just kept coming. 

“Okay, that’s okay. Just let it out. When you’re ready, if you want to talk, I’m here.” 

Her voice was soothing, but it just made her cry harder knowing that Jin would never use her love to hurt her, and yet she couldn’t tell her how she felt.

When the tears finally stopped coming, she shifted so that she was laying down on her side with her head in Jin’s lap, face turned towards the TV. Within seconds, her fingers were combing through her hair gently to help her calm down, Jin knowing what she needed without her even having to say it. 

“Are you feeling better now?” she asked softly.

“A little bit.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I- Yeah. I do,” She took a deep breath, knowing that it would help, but it was difficult to find the words. Jin was patient though, and didn’t interrupt her as she tried to gather her thoughts and her courage. “So… I… When you say that to me, I really like it. I like hearing it, and knowing you feel that way about me. And I do, too. Feel that way, that is. About you. And I want to say it, I really do, but after everything with my parents it’s just… hard for me to get out. I keep wanting to say it, but whenever I do, the words just don’t come out. And it’s been eating me up inside because I don’t want you to think I don’t feel that way, because I do. I really do, Jin.”

“Oh, Azula,” she whispered, leaning down to press a kiss to her shoulder. “I know you love me. You don’t have to say it for me to know.”

“I don’t?”

“No,” she laughed softly, though it wasn’t condescending. “I know in the way you still make me caramel popcorn, even though you don’t like it. When you make me tea in the mornings, when you drive me to work on your way to school, when you call me during lunch, when you kiss me good morning and goodnight everyday… That’s how I know. You don’t need to tell me, because you show me everyday. We just have different love languages, and that’s okay.”

She sniffled and turned so that she was looking up at Jin. “Really? You know?”

“Yeah, I know. I tell you so often because I think…” she blushed faintly. “Well, I think that after everything you’ve gone through, you deserve to have someone tell you they love you as often as possible.”

Azula beamed and reached up to pull Jin’s head down to kiss her. She came down willingly and kissed her gently, smiling into it.

When they broke apart, they were silent for a moment, simply basking in the moment. 

Suddenly, Jin inhaled sharply, eyes glimmering with excitement. “I just remembered! My _ lao lao  _ went deaf as she got older, and so we did this thing where when we wanted to tell her we loved her, we squeezed her hand three times, like this.” She grabbed Azula’s hand and squeezed it three times in short succession. “That was our own special way to tell her, and she always knew what we meant. Maybe... You could do that?”

Azula beamed, and squeezed Jin’s hand back- one, two, three.  _ I love you. _

Jin laughed and blushed again, kissing her. “I love you too, Azula.”

She smiled happily and did it over and over again, three squeezes each for all the times she’d wanted to say it but never had been able to. Maybe someday she’d be able to say it, but until then… Well, this would work just fine, she thought as she watched Jin’s eyes crinkle with delight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, please leave kudos, comments, and check out my [tumblr](https://zukosadragon-ace.tumblr.com/)! (@zukosadragon-ace)
> 
> <3
> 
> Also! For the information about Oshogatsu, I used [this website](https://www.tokyoweekender.com/2018/12/celebrating-oshogatsu-introduction-japanese-new-year-traditions/). I tried to be good about my research, but if something isn't right please let me know!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


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